Things I want to do before I die

Certainly not a complete list...

1. See my kids graduate college
2. Go to England
3. Learn sign language
4. Learn to tango
5. Write a book
6. Go to the Caribbean
7. Read a whole lot of books
8. Be able to pay for my kids' college education
9. Rent a beach house for a summer and just relax
10. Get a real massage
11. Learn how to sew
12. Get my house unpacked
13. Get organized
14. Let Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy exist as long as they can
15. Take a trip with one or more of my girlfriends
16. Be there for my kids' weddings and to see my grandkids
17. Have no debt
18. Take a trip to Disney World
19. Go to the Smithsonian and various other DC attractions
20. Pick out my own brand new car

Good parent. Bad parent.

How do we become good parents? What is the rule for making choices for our kids and letting them make their own?
I struggle with this fairly regularly. My daughter is involved with Girl Scouts, soccer and T-ball. Is that too much? Is that not enough? I'm not worried about her being a well rounded child. She is already that, and then some. I am not worried about getting her into the college of her choice. And I am not worried about getting a leg up on the other kids.
I am worried about regret.
My parents weren't big into extracurricular activities. They didn't encourage them. Sure I joined a few things when I was little. I played violin in 3rd grade and the flute in 5th. I took dance for a few months. But nothing stuck. I do wonder what I might have learned with a gentle push towards something. I think there are a lot of things that I may have been good at, but wasn't exposed to.
And I regret it. I wish that I knew how to play the piano. I wish a lot of things.
Yes I know I could take lessons now, but we are such sponges as children. Things come so much more easily. There is a zest there that we lose.
My friend Amanda remembers being in 8th grade and thinking it was too late to start taking dance. She thinks it's funny now that she thought she was too old when she was 13. And she was partly right. There are those kids that start something at 3 and when you are 13 you feel as if you would be too far behind and embarrassed at that awkward age.
So do I push things on Harper to teach her about making commitments and taking responsibility? What if soccer isn't her thing, but the oboe is? How do I know? Do I expose her to everything and see what sticks? Do I pick one thing for her and concentrate on that?If she decides halfway through something that she doesn't like it, do I make her complete it?
There are so many things out there to learn. There are so many options. How do you know which is right?
What if I have the next Monet or Yo Yo Ma? Mia Hamm or Moceanu? And I don't know it.
And then when she is 31 she tells me that she really wishes she had learned to play the piano?

Make new friends

Last night was my daughter's last soccer practice for the season. This weekend is her last game. That realization made me think.
My social life is now mostly based on my six-year old's. That seems silly, but most of the adult conversations I have now are at games or practice. We've become friends with the other parents. We ask favors and are asked favors from the other parents. I look forward to seeing them even though I know most of them as "so and so's mom and dad." It'll be a little sad when the season is over.
And it's been good for Harper as well. She's made friends that are not from school or related to her somehow. She's learned to make friends fast. Teamwork has to start from the very beginning. I love watching kids play. They are so easy going. If there is another kid around, they are immediately friends. That won't always be the case. Kids get mean as the get a little older. They get exclusive and develop cliques. I hope my kids don't, but it is almost a fact of life.
Winning isn't everything. In fact it really isn't anything. Most games the girls don't even know who won, much less what the score was. The joy they feel when they score is palpable. But scoring isn't necessary. Just running and laughing and having a good time with other kids. Having their parents there cheering and smiling. Knowing their parents are there just for them. That all the busyness and stress are set aside for them. I love that. I love that they just want to play. I wish that would always be the case.
The end of the soccer season signifies a little more. I hope things stay this easy for a little longer. I'm not ready for the next phase. I may never be.

Hobbies

I need a hobby. Or at least I need time for a hobby. I have gotten into that funk where I don't insist on ME time. Sometimes I feel guilty about it, but really I need to be alone.
Sometimes.
I am home with the kids everyday and there are times I just want to curl up and read a book that doesn't have pictures or take a hot bath without someone coming in and talking to me. But everyone needs that, right?
I just signed up for a few classes. They are paid for. I will go to them. Anyone that knows me knows that I am not big on wasting money. So I will certainly make it to the classes.
But I also need just plain old downtime. Time to do nothing. Time to finish a magazine. Time to look in the yard and imagine what I want to do with it. Time to take a nap. Time to wander around a bookstore for a few hours alone. Just time.
I don't wish that I didn't have a family. Far from it. But I think sometimes a little time alone reminds you how great it is to not be alone.

Who thought this was a good idea?

I am sure that you have seen those Lamisil commercials
http://www.lamisil.com/index.jsp?source=01025&campaign=LMT-9495&site=100005&placement=100597&creative=100002&checked=y . Who in the hell thought that was a good idea? A weird cartoon fungus that lifts up a toenail? Every time it comes on, it makes me wince. And it has been on the air for months and in heavy rotation. Yes I fast forward, but sometimes I am not fast enough and I see that toe nail go up. Is it effective? I mean, if you have toe fungus, I imagine you go to the doctor. Please just market it to them. Send in the pharmaceutical reps and hand out the samples. I do not want to see that guy anymore.
And while on the subject of toes. There is a tiny razor product that is also advertised on TV. It can supposedly shave your face and chest and other "unwanted" hair. One of the uses discussed is to remove toe hair. Again, I feel like if you have that problem, you know it and would instantly recognize that this product may be useful. Do they need to tell us?

Romance

What is romance?
I used to think that Hollywood movies were right. That your heart would pitter patter every time you saw the love of your life. That you would want to kiss him every time you saw him. That flowers were commonplace. That there were soulmates. That surprise dates and getaway weekends were the norm.
Am I jaded now? Maybe. But I think that romance isn't necessarily those things. I think it's having a husband that gets up with the kids some mornings so you can sleep in. Or fills up your gas tank and washes your car. Or stops at the grocery store to pick up feminine products even though he REALLY doesn't want to. Or picks up dinner when he knows you don't want to cook.
I wish I had all of the things in the first paragraph as well, but if forced to choose, I'd take practicality to keep the delicate balance of marriage and family.
Though a big romantic gesture every once in a while could go a long, long way.

Body image

So this is what I look like. According to my daughter Harper when she was 4. Now my hair isn't red anymore, I don't really have a rectangular body, and my skin isn't quite that orange. But I love the picture. A LOT!

Though I have been blessed to be "normal" looking, I often wonder if my life would have been different if I hadn't. The answer is of course yes, but there's no way to tell just how different. And in what ways. If I'd been taller, would I have played volleyball or basketball? If I'd be heavier, would that have made me try harder in school? If I'd had super kinky hair, would I have been shy?

And on the flip side of that, have I used all of my advantages to my advantage? I'm sure not. My life isn't a Hollywood movie or anything, but it's a pretty good one. Though could it have been better?
Are these the kinds of questions that drive a person crazy?

Good things

I came across an article that listed this site:
http://www.happynews.com/
Isn't that a breath of fresh air, GOOD NEWS! There are decent people and good things happen. People help others and others are grateful.
Everything that happens isn't awful and catastrophic.
Whew, I was starting to get a little worried.

So along the same lines, here's a list of just a few of the things that make me happy.

• my kids' smiles and laughter
• being barefoot
• shopping at the bookstore
• bubble gum
• getting the mail, especially if there are magazines, or even better, a letter from a friend
• British mystery shows
• a great story
• crossing something off a list
• actually doing something with my girlfriends
• sleeping in or taking naps
• the Kenny Roger's song "The Gambler" (not sure why, but it makes me smile)
• fresh clean sheets
• mix CDs from friends
• slushy, cold beer in a bottle
• reading comments on my blog ;)

How much is enough?

My husband and I have an ongoing disagreement.
How often should grown adult parents be able to go out with their friends? Without their spouse?
He is a very social guy with about a million friends. He gets asked to go get drinks almost everday. I do not. Not that I don't have friends, but they know the drill with finding a sitter and being home early, so most of my outings are planned well in advance.
My hubby thinks a couple of times a week. I think once a month.
He works, and he works hard, and I acknowledge that. But I work hard too. Staying home and raising kids is the hardest job I have ever had or heard of. It is not soap operas and ice cream on the couch. So when he goes out after work, it means I am working overtime without him to help.
I think once you are married and have kids that your social life necessarily slows.
When you go out for drinks, it turns into appetizers and more drinks and next thing you know it is 3AM. And you haven't seen your kids in a couple of days. So I think once a month, and home by midnight is reasonable.
Am I wrong?
And he goes out without me. Almost everytime. It's easier for one of us to watch the kids while the other is out, but I feel abandoned at times. Like he would rather be with them than with his family. I am sure this stems from some childhood thing as well, but that is beside the point. And I rarely get a night out. Like once every six months or so.
I have a married friend, Joey, and she and her husband rarely go out without each other. And they are happy, sickeningly happy. And together. Like a couple, not two individuals that coexist.
Am I crazy? Should he be allowed to go out whenever? And what is a reasonable time to be home? I am really looking for answers here, so PLEASE let me know.

Dare to dream... Part II

The other thing I've longed for is a girls' weekend. Away.
Not just happy hour once in a while, but one weekend a year where some of the girls just go somewhere. Doesn't have to be far or expensive. I'd be happy with a 30 pack and a Comfort Inn.
Just something where we bring sappy movies and our new nail polish and a blender and giggle. And talk about each other, our lives, our disappointments, our triumphs, our anything.
I think female friendship is important.
I think having people that you can bare yourself to is important.
I think having friends that love you no matter what you say or do is important.
I think having someone to listen is important. And someone other than your husband or significant other.
Friends, best friends, girlfriends. Whatever you want to call them. We need them.
At least I know that I do.

P.S. Though I wouldn't mind the sandy beaches of Mexico http://vacations.travelzoo.com/mexico-vacations/235354

Dare to dream

I love thinking about vacations. Growing up, the only trips we took were to my grandparents' house in a teeny town in Oklahoma. I think we went to Silver Dollar City once, too.
Anyway, I love thinking about trips. We rarely go on them, but still.
We've taken a few: Hilton Head, SC , trips to the lake, a couple of nights at the Great Wolf Lodge, and a few others. We've also done the trips to visit my folks, one is in that teeny town in OK and one is in St. Louis, but we make a vacation out of it. When we went to Davis, OK once, we spent a few nights in Oklahoma City on the way back and did some sites. When we go to St. Louis, my mom is always up for things and she knows everything there is to do in the tri-county area, the zoo, the Butterfly House, the Jewel Box, trendy restaurants, you name it.
But I want a vacation. A real one. Like DisneyWorld, or a beach house for a couple weeks, or London. I want a real one. I am serious. In the next couple of years, I want my family to take an amazing vacation. One that we all enjoy and will remember forever. I know they will remember most of the trips we do no matter near or far, cheap or expensive.
But I want this for me.
For the vacation I never had.

Right to privacy

Would you read your spouse's journal? Your child's? Your mother's? And what if you do read it. Do you tell them? What do you do with that information that was illegally obtained? It is such a slippery slope.
My mother read mine and photocopied it so she could read it to my dad. I was 16. And I was mortified. And grounded. For an entire summer. It was ridiculous and I felt betrayed. Yes I had been doing a lot of things I shouldn't have, but still. It still hurts my feelings and that was 15 years ago.
So I would like to think that I wouldn't read my daughter's personal thoughts. But I just don't know. I am afraid that I would. I would feel awful about it and wish that I hadn't, but I think that I would read it. I hope I am never in the position to have to make that choice. I hope that my kids and I are close enough that I have a pretty good understanding of what is going on in their lives. Enough that I don't feel it necessary to pry.

My mother

My mother is coming for a visit today. Now she and I get along rather well... as long as we are not in the same room. We talk on the phone just about every day and she clips articles from the newspaper and magazines to mail me that she thinks I will be interested in.
The only problem is when we are in the same room. I can see her eyes rolling and annoyed body language. We rub each other the wrong way most times that she visits. Twice she has abruptly left when she gets angry or hurt. And it made me angry.
She is annoyed by my dogs, though I've had them for 11 years. I have dogs, it's about time you get used to it.
She cooks when she visits. She is the greatest cook I've encountered. It drives my husband nuts though. He feels bad that she does all this cooking while she is here. He feels like she should relax and do things she wants to do. But she wants to cook. This trip she has planned to make a new chili recipe, crab cakes, cheese scones, pinepple margaritas, ribs, and a few other things. I can't wait. Not only will it all be delish, but I also have a few days off from cooking.
I'm crossing my fingers that we don't get on each other's nerves. I'm not sure what it is about being in close proximity that sets us off. I'm sure it's something from childhood, but I can't figure it out.
Do other people get along with their mothers? Am I the only one that can only do that when we are a couple of hundred miles apart?

One man's trash...

In KCMO, they offer bulk item pick-up. So when you have an old couch or disgusting mattress or broken washing machine, every two months you can set your junk at the curb and eventually a truck comes by to pick it up. It usually sits out for a couple of days, but hey at least you are getting it out of the house.
In my old neighborhood, you could set just about anything out and in the dead of night someone would take it so by the next morning, your curb was bare. It was awesome and a little strange. I mean some of the things we trashed were really trash. The old and filthy carpet that we ripped up, taken, a broken computer, taken, a 1950's refrigerator, gone. I was always glad that someone took it. I mean maybe they used it for something or sold it somewhere. I didn't care, I was just glad it was gone. Though I will say it is awkward to have people picking through your things even if those things are unwanted. Same feeling I get when I have a garage sale. Like I am being judged on my throwaways. And I feel a little sad. That in this day and age of mass consumerism, I have large things to throw away that others are willing to search out, load up, and haul off.
Well this is the first bulk item day in the new neighborhood that we've put stuff out. An old couch and matching chair that are not salvagable. Though incredibly comfortable, their time has come. Lo and behold, my daughter just announces there are people stealing something (she has a flair for the dramatic) so I go look. They aren't taking the actual furniture, but some folks were taking the time to strip off the slip covers to take. Good for them. I hope they serve them well.

People who live in glass houses

OK, well not glass ones, but new ones. We just built a new house. Well we didn't build it, we had it built. Now because of my man's job, we have to live within the city limits. There are not all that many places that you can be in the city, but not in a bad school district and as parents we need decent schools. So we found what we thought would be utopia. A great new neighborhood, excellent schools, close enough to family. Little did we know...
While under construction, we had a port-a-potty on the grounds. We wanted to make sure the folks working on it had a place to go, because we are nice and in case you didn't know, they will use your sump pump or anywhere and you won't find out until it is too late and disgusting. One of the neighbors wanted us to move it. They didn't like seeing it. WHOAT?!? It's a neighborhood under construction, of course you will see things that are not pleasing: plumber's cracks, a dirt yard, and port-a-potties. But it seems as if the builder that did most of these houses never had one. And wouldn't go halfsies with us when the house next door was going up and of course the workers were using the restroom. Can't fault a guy for that.
And it seems in the land of beige, a blue-gray is a no-no too. And a red door is seemingly a big FU to the world. And god forbid you want a privacy fence when you back up to a major road and have two kids and two dogs. There are literally grown men and women that are discussing our home at meetings. WHOAT!?! Oh and they live on the opposite side of the subdivision, so they are only seeing my house if they make a point to drive down my street.
Utopia it ain't.
My main point here is do people care that much about what their neighbors are doing? I couldn't care less . It isn't my house. I don't have to live in it. And I certainly wouldn't get myself all worked up and have minutes taken at meetings and phone calls from committee members to try to rectify it.
I love my new house, we worked really hard getting it the way we wanted and REALLY hard to afford it. We thought it'd be the greatest place to live and that we would never move. We'll see about that. It's pretty sad.
And just in case, don't upset yourself by driving by my house.

Pet Peeves

Firstly, I want to acknowledge that I have developed a small (ok, very small) following. There are at least 6 people (including me) that are reading. That's exciting. Thank you. I love reading the comments so keep'em coming.

So for today's subject, my pet peeves. I have several, but will only touch on a few for now.
I am a very fair skinned, very tiny, and rather young looking individual. And for some reason it is OK to comment on those things. I cannot tell you how many times I have been asked to "get out in the sun" or "how much do you weigh?" or "just how old are you?" Now my friend Ashley's theory is that if the trait is desirable, then it might seem ok to discuss. So if I were fat, it's off-limits, but since I am not, it's ok. Well that may be how the asker thinks of it, but it still makes me uncomfortable. At a recent family gathering, a relative insisted on me telling my weight. When I hesitated, another relative piped in with, "Seriously, what is your weight?" It went on with more forceful questioning until I finally just said the amount. Now I am neither proud nor ashamed of my weight. I am lucky to be thin. I don't work at it, and I know that can be frustrating to others that struggle so I generally try to avoid the subject altogether. Now if I had turned around and starting asking these relatives what they weighed, it would have come across as rude and bitchy. So why was it ok for them to interrogate me?
Same goes for the age thing. If I were to say to someone, "Wow, you look elderly. Just how old are you?" that would be a serious breach of etiquette, yet apparently based on the number of times I've been asked my age, it's ok if you appear young. I am a grown woman. That's all you need to know. Lay off.
And for my complexion. I am fair. I get that. I always have been. I wear high SPF sunscreen. My mother had melanoma years ago and an aunt died quickly and painfully from skin cancer a few years ago. I do not want a tan. I lived in Southern California. I went to the beach often. I still wore sunscreen. The end of summers I would be tan just from the sheer volume of hours that I was outdoors. But I still prefer to be my natural shade. I spend plenty of time outdoors. I have two kids. I can't stay in the house all the time. And we all wear sunscreen. How did being fair become such a bad thing? I have no beef with those that like being tan. That is your choice. I would never say, "WHOA! Lighten up on the sun. Getting a little TOO dark, don'tcha think?" Why? Because it is rude and frankly, none of my bidness.
To recap: Never ok to talk about specific weight or age, and go easy on the fair skinned. We have feelings too!

Now not to break anyone's heart or anything, but I will probably take the weekend off. This family seems to want to spend time with me and stuff.

But keep commenting and let me know some of your pet peeves.

Mothers, take it easy

Before becoming pregnant for the first time, I never thought about the collective acceptance of unsolicited criticism. Now that I have had two children, I am FULLY aware of it.
I am amazed at the number of people that try to force their parenting philosophies onto unsuspecting and maybe unprepared women. Maybe this happens to men as well, I just don't know about it.
People are constantly trying to tell you what to do with your own children. How is that acceptable? I have done a pretty decent job with my first child who is now 6, and I think that means I will do a pretty decent job with the second who is almost 9 months. Yet others feel they need to tell me what to do. Now, I have been known to give advice, however I try to be very conscious of only offering when asked and prefacing it with "this worked for me" or "you may try..." I am never going to tell someone what they should do. My mothering mantra is to do what works. It may be the exact opposite of what everyone has told you, but if it works for your family, well then do it.
Moms needs to be nicer to each other. It is not a competition. Whatever you did is great for you. What I do is great for me. And forcing your choices on someone else does not validate what you did. A mother's job is to love unconditionally and to raise kind, caring, decent children that will make the world a little better place. Whether or not the baby was formaula fed or nursed or slept through the night at 3 months or started walking early will not matter in 20 years.
I have relatives that I do not think are good parents. And it boggles my mind when they try to give me advice. Uh no thanks. What makes them think this is ok?
We need to be nurturing and caring of each other. Parenting is hard enough without feeling like you are a failure because everyone is telling you to do something different than you are doing. And it's hard not to listen when it comes at you from all angles.
So here is my unsolicited advice...
Do what feels right, do what works for you, and smile and say thanks when someone tells you something you don't want to hear; then erase it from your mind.

Not slacking yet...

Though it is just my second post, at least I have kept it up so far.
So it's been in the news lately, and I can hardly believe it. There are so many obese toddlers that car seat manufacturers are having to create larger car seats for babies ages 1-6 http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2006-04-03-car-seat_x.htm.
This is astonishing to me. The infant seat that my son is currently in is supposed to hold him until he is 20 pounds and 1 year old. He may hit the over 20 pounds before he is one, but not by much. The next seat up is good until he is 40 pounds and about 4 years old. After a child graduates from the front facing seat, they are just in a booster which is just like the booster seats at restaurants and use the actual seat belt to strap the child in. Well apparently we are such a fat country that we overfeed our children as well and there are children that are 2 and 3 that are having to use the flimsy boosters because they don't fit in the safe and appropriate car seats. How did it get this bad?
I have a relative that just turned 2 and he weighs 43 pounds. His grandmother insists that he is not obese, yet he was being fed powdered sugar doughnuts and soda when he was 6 months old. My children were eating iron fortified cereal and pureed veggies at that time. My daughter who is six has never had a soda. She was offered one once and hated it. Now keep in mind, I drink soda almost exclusively.
So where does the blame lie? The parents for allowing it and enabling it? I think so. But what about the doctors? Shouldn't they say something at the regular check ups? And should a family member (like myself) say something or is that just stirring the pot?
Something needs to be done. It isn't the car seat manufacturers job (though they do seem to profit from huskies) to accommodate.
Why is it ok to tell someone that smokes how bad it is for them, but it isn't ok to tell someone to put down the brownies as they are already spilling into the next seat on the plane or aren't able to fit into the correct car seat?

Introducing...

Ok, so my dear friend Seth ( http://sethgunderson.com ) has convinced me that I may be interesting enough to at least a couple of people to have a blog. And since I like to fancy myself a writer of sorts, this will have to be my outlet. Oh and he says I'm funny. And I didn't have to talk him into saying that. So here goes.
A little about me:

1. Have two of the cutest kids in the world- scratch that- they are the cutest
2. Unemployed, though hopefully not unemployable
3. Like cheesy 80's glam rock, among many other genres
4. Watch a lot of TV and read a crapload of books
5. Don't like the taste of water
6. LOVE going to Target
7. Read the blogs of people I don't know and get teary-eyed at times
8. Obsessed with office supplies
9. Have tried to quit smoking forty-eleven times and still haven't gotten it right
10. Am annoyed by the general public

So that seems like a decent list to start with. I am sure there will be more to learn as you anxiously anticipate every new post. I hope to not be one of those people that posts about as frequently as a real democratic election happens anywhere in the world. But hey, I get busy just like the rest of you. There are diapers to change and T-ball practices to make and Survivor-Exile Island http://www.cbs.com/primetime/survivor12/ to view.

Oh and feel free to comment with other descriptions of me, or questions you'd love me to pontificate on.